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If the NFL Were an Austin Powers Movie

Tuesday, Oct 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm ET

The Austin Powers trilogy will eventually expand with the announcement of Austin Powers 4. It got me to thinking...what if the NFL were an Austin Powers movie? As you know, Austin is an international man of mystery. This super agent never has a problem getting the beautiful women. He's irresistible to women, deadly to his enemies and a legend in his own time. Who could possibly fill those shoes? How about Tom Brady...

Tom Brady as Austin Powers

Obviously, Austin doesn't call all the shots. He and the rest of the team are controlled by Basil Exposition. Who better to play Basil than the NFL's Commissioner Roger Goodell?

Roger Goodell as Basil Exposition

As you know, not everyone was nice to Austin. His enemies are many, but one stands out among all. Dr Evil, played by Michael Vick (c'mon...who else could fill that role), is accompanied by his clone, Mini-Me (played by rookie Cam Newton). Michael Vick may have been the original QB that forced defenses to come up with schemes to try and stop him, but Cam Newton is now forcing opposing defenses to do the same thing. Both are dangerous foes, but only Dr Evil has the new contract for...one million dollars...er....one hundred billion dollars.

Michael Vick and Cam Newton as Dr Evil and Mini Me

Who does #2 work for? Dr Evil can't run his evil empire all by himself. Fortunately he has a very capable second in command aptly named...Number 2. Number 2 is played by the 2nd best Manning of all time...Eli.

Eli Manning as Number 2

When Dr Evil, Mini-Me, and Number 2 weren't scheming to get rid of Austin Powers, they usually just sent their top henchman to do their dirty work. What NFL personality is overweight but still thinks of himself as sexy with his sexy body? Hmmmm.....

Rex Ryan as Fat Bastard

While Austin has many enemies, only one woman could teach him the beauty of monogamy (at least before she was revealed to be a fembot all along). When she's not judo chopping Alotta Fagina, Vanessa Kensington is the beautiful sidekick who is also a determined and intelligent young woman. Who better to play Vanessa than Suzy Kolber?

Suzy Kolber as Vanessa Kensington

I like to see girls of that... caliber. Very shagedelic...yeah!

Join the Discussion

IvanB CommentedOct 26, 2011 11:00 am

I wish you would write more stuff like this in your blog, nerd. Seriously. I look forward to all your posts and you rarely, if ever, do stuff like this. Why is that?